I have been thinking of writing this for some time, in fact I bought this URL back in 2010…Yes, I knew than, that this was the perfect title. I just wasn’t ready to do anything with it. I still question if I am ready to write this, I still don’t know if I have the strength to do it.I am positive I will always question this…
What I do know is: I NEED to do this. Many things have been happening to push me towards this! When I told others I was planning on doing it, they would share with me their story…I am so grateful for that , because I know like them, I am/was scared, I AM scared… I’m scared you will judge me that you will look/think at/of me differently .. BUT I DIDN’T JUDGE THEM! So I know you won’t judge me…I’m just so tired of feeling like I am not good enough, like an outsider, NO ONE should FEEL this way, and I don’t understand why, even at 39 living in a great home, wonderful kids, a great husband, even when outsiders my view my life as picture perfect. Why I would feel flawed, but I am NOT PICTURE PERFECT, and to be honest, I don’t know if I want to be!!! I do however want to feel better about me… But most importantly I want others to know that what happened is not MY SHAME, I want me to KNOW THAT WHAT HE DID TO ME DOES NOT DEFINE ME, NOR IS IT MY SHAME, IT BELONGS TO HIM!!! Let’s say that one more time “NOT MY SHAME! IT BELONGS TO HIM, NOT ME! I want others to know that about them!!!
I want other’s to know that they are NOT ALONE! That even in our darkest hours, when we feel alone, when you are felling like no-one else could possibly know the pain that you are going thru. That I LOVE YOU! That I know what it is like to feel like no-one loves you or cares about you, I know what it feels like when you honestly believe that if you were to die no one would care and no one would miss you. I would Miss you! YOU WOULD MISS YOU! I have felt like that so many times, and I look back now, and I am so thankful that I made it thru that dark time, that I didn’t end everything, because I would be missing out on such a beautiful life… Is my life PERFECT, NOPE, but we enjoy every day, and every day I am learning how to heal me….I want anyone who feels so dirty and gross, that even if you showered in bleach you would still be dirty.. That you are not dirty! That there is nothing wrong with YOU! You are perfect, the person who hurt you is the one that should bear the dirtiness, the shame!
So I will be sharing all the “dirty little secrets” ( even though some are no secret, as they are part of court documents), oh and some things were written in the local news paper. But most of all, I want to make my life better, to help you… And I feel a strong sense that this will help.
I won’t always be talking about my Childhood, I will be treating this like a journey, an open diary. I will be sharing with you, my every day life, days I feel overwhelmed, projects I do. I love when I accomplish something, it is one of the best feelings in the whole world….
Father the DEVIL, started sexually abusing me when I was very young. I really didn’t understand it, I still don’t… I’m sure I never will. I haven’t really forgiven him, I don’t think I need to. He took a lot from me. He was also very mentally and physically abusive. He was manic depressive and also a Pedophile… That in itself is a horrible word, sick and wrong. The funny thing is I still tried even as a young adult to get over it, to have a relationship with him. So confusing, but he was still a master manipulator and eventually I cut him out of my life entirely. He also ended his life in 2001, which is another story, and gave way to a whole new set of problems….
Today I can cry for the little girl who was entirely too strong, who refused to cry, who believed it was all her fault. Today I can create my “Picture Perfect” life. I can recreate my childhood… I can forgive me….Life is a journey, and each day is a new day, and I am so thankful for that.
***Disclosure, do remember that for every story, there are other parts, My Mom, I don’t want to hurt her, we have a great relationship now, She is the best Grammy ever! She is so amazingly strong, and has overcome so much. She did not have the support system, nor the many programs that are available today…My Mom was scared, she tried to leave my Dad several times, we even lived in a trailer, not a big trailer, you know those ones that sit on the back of the trucks? yes, one of those in the middle of the desert with no one around, a reason I will never eat split pea soup again… I also saw this man(my DAD) well I don’t consider him that, I really liken him to the DEVIL, I saw this man hold a shot-gun to my Mom’s head, threaten to kill her.. He was 6’4″ and she is only 5’2″! So that being said, she tried, it took me a long time to get to that place, to understand…
Send me a message if you need someone to talk to….I promise I CARE!