I need to LOVE me the most.. it sounds so selfish, but it is the most selfless thing I can do, that anyone can do, because if we aren’t taking care of ourselves, then we really aren’t able to take care of the many people who need us to Love and Care for them, but most of all, how are we suppose to show our kids healthy boundaries, and heal ourselves unless we LOVE us FIRST and MOST? You can’t, I can’t. I stuggle with this the most….the loving me, and putting my self first, I still don’t like the sound of putting me first… but I am all for LOVING ME!
One day I read this saying:
“A Woman is Most Dangerous to Herself when She is Desperate for Love”
It stopped me short… At 42 years old, I should have read this, and said YEP! That is why I love me!, Instead… It had me thinking on how desperate I have become for Love and Acceptance. The last year has really taken its toll, on my marriage and so many other relationships. There have been so many days that I have cried and just wanted someone to listen to me, to hug me and tell me that everything is fine, but so many times I have seen their reactions, their annoyance, you can tell when someone does not want to be anywhere near you, let alone try and give you some time and attention especially when you have acting so needy in the past, crying and just begging for some love and attention. So instead of leaning or talking to people, I have closed almost everyone out, I don’t want to burden anyone, and when you have to beg someone to act like they care, it wouldn’t mean anything anyway. So I feel like no one has my back. (I do have 3 great friends, who I would have died without them).
Truth is I am the only one responsible for how I feel, and we are the ones who set the tone and standard for how others treat us. Somewhere along the last couple years I have lost “ME”. I don’t know who I have become, I have never been a person to cry and beg someone to just please love me, a few years ago I would have never tolerated someone taking me for granted. I would never have a relationship/friendship with someone who acted like I was an annoyance, and didn’t make me a priority unless it was convenient for them. Now I just feel like I am lucky if people want to talk or hang out with me, just because they like me, and even then I wonder what it is they need from me, or when are they going to stop caring.
So how do you get back to that place that you love and respect yourself? How do I begin to trust others in my life again when in some of my darkest moments there was no one there. I know that the fighter in me is still in me somewhere, because I have had several times that where honestly had it not been for my children I would have killed myself, but there have been so many times that I have felt like they would be better off with out me. I know this is because I know I fail in so many ways, and when you never hear what a great Mom you are, and are only told what I should be doing, well you start really believing that you are worthless. I know I feel that way, and when you tell someone you are going to kill yourself, and they just ignore it, man if I had a gun that day I would have pulled the trigger.
I have to say though, I have some amazing friends now, it’s funny how hard times will show you peoples true colors. One Sunday afternoon, I was so deep in the knowledge that I was going to kill myself that day, I was just waiting for the text from my husband that said he was on his way, (I wanted to make sure the kids wouldn’t be home home alone for longer than 15 minutes. I was going to drive off the North Ogden Pass, I couldn’t and didn’t want to live another day of my life, a life where I feel like I have to beg people to love and care for me, a life where I am in pain emotionally and physically everyday all day, a life where joy and happiness seem like a fairy tale, a life where it is emotionally draining to sit and put a smile on my face and pretend everything is fine with me, a life where my feelings don’t matter.
She called, I didn’t answer, I didn’t want to burden anyone with my feelings, the ones that are suppose to always put me first and long been treating me like a burden, and why in the FUCK couldn’t I fix my fucking stupid mine.
Her text: “Hi my friend!!! I would love to talk to you when you are available! (a heart at the end.)
My reply: “K. I will try and call tomorrow. Not much for talking now.
Her: “Ok. I’m worried about you. You have been heavy on my mind all day. I Love you.
I broke down bawling, someone wanted to talk to me, because they CARED, they were WORRIED about me, and they even Loved me, in a moment when I didn’t even have to ask, because I couldn’t ask because I just knew no one cared, I didn’t even care for me.
I called her, and immediately started crying and telling her how desperately I needed to hear that, I told her what I was planning.
We talked for awhile, and we came up with a plan for the days that I feel like that. We also talked about how I need to start caring for myself, that I am Important and so are my feelings.
The thing that is important about this, is that if I had any self worth and self respect, I wouldn’t allow others to be treating me the way I have been letting them. Even when I do set a boundary, it doesn’t stick, because I don’t think I deserve to be loved and respected, so I never follow thru on leaving or not talking to them anymore, so they know I don’t mean it, because I keep allowing them to treat me like garbage, because most days I just feel grateful that anyone tolerates me.
All of those feelings, these feelings I would have never had if I loved myself, if I KNEW my VALUE. I would never be treated poorly, because I would walk away and not allow people who mistreated me to be a part of my life. I need it back, I need to love myself, I need to remember that I deserve to be loved, I deserve to be a priority. I need to reset the tone for my relationships, and the first relationship I need to fix is the one with myself.
I’m not even sure how to start, but I am starting. Here is what I am going to start with:
- I need to enforce healthy boundaries, when people are mean, or treat me poorly I will tell them, and take a break from them until they decide that they can treat me with respect, and that they are important, they just aren’t more important than I am.
- I will stop doing everything for everyone, when they are perfectly capable of doing things for themself as well as expecting that everyone that lives in my home can clean up after themselves and help with chores daily.
- My feelings matter, and I won’t listen to those who think that my feelings are wrong. My feelings should be acknowledged and if a person says my feelings are wrong, I will gently and respectfuly tell them that they are my feelings, if I have misinterpreted how you wanted to make me feel, please explain to me how I have misunderstood, because truly if someone loves and respects you, they will acknowledge your feelings and try and explain what their intentions were.
- I will work on remembering that I deserve to be a priority, and those who decide I am not a prority to them, I am only important for what I do for them, well, they no longer need to be in my life.
- I will treat others with kindness and respect.
- I am going to start doing what is Important to me, and stop putting everyone else’s stuff that they need me to do for them before what I need to do for me.
- I’m going to FINISH and FOLLOW thru and my commitments to myself and others, I am also going to say NO more, I don’t respect myself when I leave so much stuff unfinished.
- I LOVE a clean clutter free home, it is time that I get that back, I need to teach my house hold that I am not a slave and that it isn’t just my responsibility to keep our home clean.
There will be more, and I am going to start back on working on the 31 days of putting you first. I have stopped doing so many things that are just for me, because I feel like everyone else is more important than me, and it is my fault, because I have allowed others to believe that what I do for them is more important than what I should be doing for myself.
I’m not saying any of this for attention, maybe you have felt the same way. I know that I get to decide how my life goes, and sometimes my depression gets the best of me, but I want to be HAPPY, I deserve to be Happy. I deserve to be loved and feel valued and respected. I have given myself a very low price tag, it is time for me to increase my value. I’m worth something and I deserve to be treated with love and respect.
No one else is responsible to make us/me/you happy. Our happiness depends on ourselves, I am sure by putting my self first, and Loving and Respecting myself it will help solve a lot of my problems. We set the tone for how others treats us. I miss the person I used to be, I miss that person that was confident and believed in herself. I’m not quite sure when it happened, but that doesn’t matter, what matters now is that I WANT to LIVE, and if I don’t start seeing my value, it could end badly.
Thanks for reading, if you want to follow my journey to reclaim my self worth and my 31 days of putting you first, start here, and check back daily.
Sorry Guys, I should have said people… but I made if for me. 😉