The other day I was watching some crime scene show… and I stopped to think about what one of the main characters had said:
How To heal from PTSD they have to do two things, find their purpose and rebuild trust.”
He was talking about soldiers… I had never heard it put like that, or even been given any idea on how to start to heal, I have been to so many different therapists. I really thought I was OVER it all. I’m not, as more and more “memories” keep surfacing. “They” say this is because I am ready to heal.
Let’s go back to those two seemingly simple “steps” .
- Find Purpose: I am a Mom and a Wife, I love being a Mom, most days I love being a Wife.. but outside of that… What is my purpose? I don’t know. To start to heal, I need to find it.
- Rebuild Trust: Here is the thing… How do I rebuild trust when the people who were suppose to love me, care for me, whom I had to TRUST my entire life on nearly destroyed me and made sure any hope of my trusting anyone ever again? My mom picked my abuser over me. My
dadthe Devil abused me and made it clear that I was an object… Yet I’m suppose to trust someone else?
For me I feel like the biggest part of rebuilding trust is going to have to come from me understanding that I AM LOVABLE. That I am a gift, just for being me. That I don’t have to give or do anything in order for people to like or love me. I honestly feel like I have to do things for others or give them gifts so they will like of love me. Because WHY would anyone want to love or like me, when my own parents didn’t?
I am on a path of healing and self-discovery. I deserve to be happy, I deserve to heal. I have a lot of work ahead of me. I need to do this for me, for my children. I want them to grow up to be Happy Adults… and they need me as an example on how to do that. I am also trying to find ways to love me and take care of me, I have started doing a 31 days of putting yourself first series. Find that here.
This was hard to write. KNOWING I am going to share it. I know I am not alone in these feelings. I know I am not the only one who is afraid to be vulnerable and trust others because they don’t feel like they deserve to be cared about and that no one would have really love them if they really knew me. It is very hard to be vulnerable, but I need to, it’s time for you and me to FLY, First Love You!
Just so you know, I love you for just being you.
Until next time