Have you ever woke up and realized that you found someone you had forgot you lost… I have. She had been showing up lately. And I knew who she was, she was me, the strong me, the doesn’t put up with shit, loving me. The one who loved life, who enjoyed it and would not allow others to disrespect her. Man, I have missed me. I have to admit I have been depressed a lot longer than I would like to admit.
I have been in survival mode for so long, I had forgotten how to actually live life. Now don’t get me wrong, I am super good at faking happiness… My entire life I was “trained” to do so. You know if you look happy and act happy no one will know the truth. “Fake it til you make it” you know that mantra right?
For some people they will say that the death of my brother, or the death of my sister is when I “Lost” it (it being my mind)… The truth is, I did, but not the way most think… It reminded me how short life is, how much we need to stand up for ourselves, that we have to love ourselves to love others. That when you start putting everyone before you and allow them to act as if you don’t deserve respect or if you allow others to control our emotions, you put your life in their hands… and your life belongs to you, not anyone else.
While being depressed I had forgotten what an amazing person I am… I have overcome so so much. I am starting to remember the amazing young Lady, I once was, the one who left an abusive relationship with a brand new baby, the one who worked her ass off as a single mom to support her son all by herself and managed to get a degree in Accounting… and so many more things, I am getting so many strong flashbacks (PTSD) of me as a young child, how I never had the opportunity to have the “innocence” of childhood, yet I fervently protect my children’s innocence, and live vicariously thru theirs, which help heal me, which puts a smile on my inner child’s face. I was a
child Adult, in a child’s body, who tried so hard to protect my siblings. I stood up to my Dad the Devil. I was alone and afraid, no one was there for me, I went to court hearings, I was put into Foster care, I was ALL ALONE IN THIS WOLD! (Not entirely true, as different people came in at different times), but mostly I was all alone. I forgot how amazingly strong I was am.
So if you are like me, and have found your “Roar” again, or even for the first time, or want to just be a stronger version of you… It will be painful. You will see others who don’t want you to be “better”, they like the way things are/were, they might not like the “New” person who has decided they deserve to set healthy boundaries, that they are not worthless.. Lots of tears will be shed, but if they truly love you, they will support you and hopefully will try and become a better person who can respect you and themselves… BUT WE DON’T get to control others, we can only control ourselves….
I like doing lists… I like to work on me… Making me the best me possible. It’s fun, really, it’s also painful.
Do you want to join me in this journey? Let’s do this, I am ready, are you? Maybe you are already in a great place and just want to help… I want whoever wants to love me, who wants to support me, anyone who wants support…
So first things first:
Write up your Top Ten list… a list of qualities you want to have, or do have you just want to be “better” at them/it, as a Human being. Example:
- I want to be the Mom that has a home base where my children always feel safe, I want to be a Mom that they know no matter what, I will love them and always be there for them. I want to be a good role model for them…
- I also want to master and take control of my emotions, I know I have a lot of co-dependent tendencies and allow others to control how I feel.
I’m sure you have seen my Goals and Projects page? I need to add this to my Goals for the year… I think you can get email subscriptions to my blog? I will double check, also you may want to follow me on my FB page. I have been working on a secret project… I want to get it up and going on Monday February 29th, Leap day, it’s perfect! That is my promise to you, and to me!
Talk to you soon!