I have big goals… BUT this PAIN that I am living with makes some of them so hard… I don’t understand why I still have so much pain. This morning I just didn’t want to get up it was so bad I was in tears and shaking from it. I slept in until the kids were leaving… This is when I am so grateful for the Husband I have, (I am always grateful for him…but even more so, when he steps up without being asked) he got up, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches… Did all of it… They came up to say good-bye and I laughed at myself and said: “Oh, I’m sorry, what a lazy mamma”… Rem (My husband), No you need your sleep… Nik in a concerned voice “Why are you shaking…” Me, Oh I just woke up and am still waking up…
I don’t want my children to remember me like that… I don’t want to live with this pain anymore… While I am seeing a Dr. and another Dr. I don’t understand… 2 surgeries later.. And still pain. Pain that is affecting my life… How horrible is it that I have to take a couple pain pills just to be able to move? I don’t want that… I want to be done with all this pain… I need to have patience? I need to find a solution on my own?
I hate that some days it takes a herculean effort just to get out of bed… When I would much rather take a heating pad and curl up and cry.. Some of the Dr.’s think the pain is there, but because of my Childhood it is manifesting itself worse… So, I’m in pain? but am feeling it worse than I am suppose to? WTF is that? I don’t know, maybe if there was a way to have them feel what I do on a mediocre day of pain, then they would absolutely want to find a physical solution, not just a mental one…. It makes me feel like the little girl who was trying to get someone to listen to me about the abuse we were suffering from, but no one was listening, and if they did listen they did nothing about it….
I just wanted to share this with you, maybe you have had the same kind of pelvic pain, and have had everything removed… I no longer have a cervix, no uterus, no tubes, and have 1 lone ovary… My sister just younger than me, had the same kind of issues and went thru 7 surgeries! SEVEN! But she was different then I, her last one was a hysterectomy and it resolved her pain… (Doesn’t this make you want to slowly torture all pedophiles?, it makes me want to!!)
My last surgery the surgeon said my endometriosis was so bad it was growing on my bladder… Which makes sense, and makes me angry, I was having issues with my bladder before my first surgery and after it… YES, makes me angry, that means my first surgeon completely missed is, as he said NOTHING about any endometriosis…
My point of this is, it is horrible to suffer in pain everyday, there are some days I think, I would rather die than have to live like this everyday… Pretty sure that adds to my depression. So just because someone looks ok, they smile at you, seem happy… Well that isn’t always true. We all know how to put a smile on our face and pretend like everything is fine… I am 41, I have perfected this thru out my life… I don’t ask for help like I should, and I try really hard to have a ready smile, a hello and a compliment ready to people I encounter… But I’m not really ok, YES, I am blessed, and thank goodness for my husband and kids… They are the reason I keep going, that I have hope that my pain, and emotional scares that are affecting my today will go away.
AND to those that think that people “fake” their pain… SUCK IT! I would love for you to feel what I feel for just 30 minutes… then you tell me if I am faking it… YES, I don’t look like I am in pain when I go out in public… BUT I am… To the Dr. who think they can go in and out, and just toss patients aside because they did their job half ass, I think you should lose your license… YOU wouldn’t be in business if your were a “normal” business… Your half ass shit will catch up to you.
Have any of you had any experiences like this? It is a constant throbbing pain, and some times very sharp shooting pains in my lower abdomen. Also it seems like my urine is so hot it almost burns… Sex is super painful… Thanks for reading my vent… And if you are living with daily pain, don’t give up hope that one day it will be gone, until then I hope Dr.’s will help you manage it so you can at least function..